How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
