my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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