I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize