This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I am naked and annoyed.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
