I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
