I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
