you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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