wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
