in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
