We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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