Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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