I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
