She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The beer is more important than you right now.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize