oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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