puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
