I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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