her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Your tits are I can't wait for
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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