I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize