Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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