i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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