please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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