The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
