dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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