my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
