we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
