we have pet lesbian snakes
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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