Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
