Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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