y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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