Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize