Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
