I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
im six kinds of drunk right now
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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