my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
