found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
