the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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