he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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