You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
