tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
