the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
