You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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