It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
