there's paper in my vomit.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
