Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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