Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
