The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
