just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
