I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
