you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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