how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
organizing the empties. That sober.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize