Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize