you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
