Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
