whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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