Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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