his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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