Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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