just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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