I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
